


You're not real

by parabatributts



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forced Starvation, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not an accurate portrayal of mental institutions, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 18:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13464363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parabatributts/pseuds/parabatributts
Summary: “You’re not real,” Alec says.Magnus freezes.In which Alec is kidnapped during a fight and taken to a psych ward.





	You're not real

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [tothebitterbetterend](http://tothebitterbetterend.tumblr.com/) for betaing this fic and helping me fix up this angsty mess. Couldn't have done it without you.  
> And a thanks to [Shadowhunters Betas Network](http://shadowhuntersbetas.tumblr.com/) for all of the amazing work they do.
> 
> **Please head the warning tags, and feel free to let me know if there are any that I missed. This fic is intense.**

They take him in the heat of battle. Hands, too strong. Arms all around him. He tries to fight against it, of course he does. He hears Magnus scream his name.

There’s a sharp pain in his neck, the sound of a portal rushing into existence.

He thinks, as they pull him through, that at least his family won’t have to watch him die.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

At first, he holds onto himself. Max, his hair soft beneath his fingers. Izzy, her laugh loud and bright. Magnus, his lips tasting sweet, his eyes bright enough to light up the sky.

 _“They’re not real.”_ They tell him. _“None of it is real.”_

He knows they’re lying.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

 

 

He thinks they’re lying.

  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

He…

  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

His memories begin to blur.

They ruin them.

There’s lies injected into his veins. Shoved down his throat. Poured into his ears. Their words, their rules, their decisions.

He doesn’t know who he is anymore.

  


[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


Everything is white.

Alec knows he doesn’t like the color white.

It means something bad.

He knows this to be the truth, feels it settle in his bones, like gravity tethering him to the floor.

They can’t take that away from him.

  


 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


He forgets what it’s like to feel the sun on his face.

Everything is fake in here. The lights, the food, the books.

Sometimes, Alec thinks he’s fake too.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

“They’re not real,” Alec says, for the first time.

There’s no needles that night.

He thinks it makes him happy, but he’s not really sure what happiness is anymore.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

One day, he tells them a name.

It slips off his lips, a well learned word that brings warmth to his very core.

It starts with an ‘M’, and then loops and swirls into something beautiful, something breathtaking.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

 

They take that away from him.

With their painful methods that hurt in more ways than one. That scar his body, mind and soul.

It stings, leaving a festering wound.

He lets it go.

  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

He does something bad. Words? Actions? He can’t remember.

His arms are bound. He’s strapped down. There’s needles, pills. So many that Alec loses count of them all.

As he finally drifts off, (his wrists red raw, body covered in bruises,) he can’t help but feel like this is what he deserves.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

They take him outside for the first time in…. In…

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

They take him outside.

The sun is too hot.

The grass itches.

There’s a garden.

He sees a rose.

It’s pink and flourishing.

 _Skin, warm, soft, strong,_ love.

The words are familiar to him.

He thinks they might have meant more to him, at one point.

He asks to go back inside.

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

 

 

He gets used to a routine.

He does what they say.

He eats what they offer.

He believes what they tell him.

He sleeps, he showers, he shits and pisses.

He wonders how he ever thought a world he dreamt up could’ve ever been real.

  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

Something changes.

  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

They start using the needles constantly.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

There’s less food.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

There’s more pills.

  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

He thinks he’s dying.

  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

...He wants to die.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

 

 

 

 

He’s sitting in a chair, drugged out of his mind. He has no idea what time it is, what role in his strict schedule he’s supposed to fulfill.

There’s shouting. He doesn’t look to see what’s going on.

There’s always shouting.

(He’s in a place where people think they’re right-- but they’re wrong. People like him. People who need to learn what reality is… but they don’t want to.)

He struggles to keep his eyes open.

He blinks, and then there’s a man standing in front of him.

He leans down, his hands reaching out slowly. They’re shaking.

“Alexander,” the man says.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

Alec recognises him.

He has a name that starts with ‘M’ and it’s swooping and bold and brilliant.

“You’re not real,” Alec says.

Magnus freezes.

  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

Magnus uses magic.

It’s bright and vibrant, full of life.

Alec wonders how he could dream up something that’s so unlike himself.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

He’s not sure when he fell asleep.

He doesn’t really care. It happens all the time.

Except, something is different this time.

The white walls are gone.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

“You have to eat something, Alexander,” Magnus says.

Alec doesn’t eat.

It wouldn’t matter anyway.

He knows what reality is. He’s had it beaten into every inch of his skin, had it flowing through every ounce of his blood.

He knows that none of this-- Magnus, the food, the apartment-- is real.

  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  


 

 

 

 

The doors open.

Izzy steps through. Max following close behind, along with the woman he created to be his mother.

They all stare at him.

His sister is the first one to break.

“Oh, _Alec_ ,” she sobs. She hurries forward and pulls him into her arms.

He doesn’t know what to do.

She buries her face into his bony shoulder.

“You’re not real,” he murmurs.

She lets out a sorrowful whimper, but doesn’t let go.

  
  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

For a while after that, it’s just him and Magnus.

  
  
  
  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  
  


 

 

Magnus is nice.

Alec isn’t surprised.

He’d created him to be so.

  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


   


 

 

When Alec finally agrees to swallow just a spoonful of broth, Magnus rejoices.

He pours them both heaping glasses of water-- because it’s the only thing that Alec will drink, and Magnus only seems to consume what Alec does-- and then plays music.

It’s new. A song Alec hasn’t heard before.

Magnus smiles the whole way through.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

Alec doesn’t do a lot.

Mostly he just sits and stares. It’s what he’s gotten used to.

He’ll move about if Magnus asks him to-- something about muscle atrophy and _“Alexander, you can’t just sit around all day.”_

Magnus doesn’t really ever leave him.

Alec keeps expecting him to.

He knows he will, one day.

His dreams have never lasted this long before.

He wonders how much longer it will be before he wakes up.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

“You’re not real,” Alec says.

He’s not sure what prompted him to say it.

Magnus is helping him to change. He’s guiding Alec’s arms through the sleeves of a sweater.

When he’s said it before-- and he’s said it many times now-- Magnus has never responded.

He normally just carries on doing whatever he had been doing.

This time, he stops. The sweater is halfway over Alec’s head, but he still watches the man meet his gaze.

“Do you want me to be real?” he asks.

Alec doesn’t answer.

  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

He doesn’t really have a routine now.

Sometimes he’ll spend all day inside. Sometimes Magnus will help him upstairs to the roof. Sometimes he’s in the kitchen, watching the man cook. Sometimes he just stays in bed, and Magnus will be there, next to him.

  
  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

Magnus never yells at him, never punishes him.

When he refuses to eat, when he swears over and over again that _“You’re not real, none of this is real. It’s all made up, in my mind,”_ when he drops something, when he falls asleep whilst Magnus is talking, when he--

Magnus never yells at him. Magnus never punishes him.

Magnus never tries to tell him what reality is.

Alec… Alec wishes he would.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

He doesn’t know what’s real anymore.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

…

  
  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

Time passes.

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

Alec eats more. He eats chicken stir fry. He eats grilled steak. He eats boiled lobster.

Alec does more. Magnus takes him on walks. They watch movies together. He reads. He cleans. He plays with Chairman Meow and Church.

Alec thinks more. He thinks about the needles. He thinks about the pills. He thinks about the white walls, the white clothes, the white furniture. He thinks about reality.

Mostly, he thinks about Magnus.

  
  


 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  
  


 

 

 

It’s been a few months, now.

These days, Alec can keep track of time. There’s clocks scattered about the loft, there’s calendars hanging on almost every wall. He marks off each day with a big, red ‘X,’ and feels satisfied doing it.

He and Magnus talk a lot. It’s never anything like what _They_ talked with him about.

He likes talking with Magnus.

He likes _being_ with Magnus.

He… likes _Magnus_.

  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

 

He never forgot what it was like to love someone.

  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  
  


 

 

 

He never forgot what it was like to love Magnus.

  
  


 

 

 

[ ] [ ] [ ]

  
  


 

 

Alec kisses him.

They’re in bed, both freshly showered, the lights turned low.

Magnus doesn’t kiss him back.

Alec feels himself smile anyway.

He pulls back.

“What was that for?” Magnus asks, voice softer than Alec’s ever heard it be.

“You’re not real,” Alec says. “But I love you.”

Magnus processes the words.

Time crawls across Alec’s skin like a familiar tide.

“I love you, too,” Magnus finally says.

Alec knows it’s true.

  
  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EPILOGUE

  
  


It takes time.

It takes days, it takes weeks, it takes months. It takes a year.

They’re sitting next to each other, on some insignificant bench, in some insignificant park.

Alec feels the sun on his skin.

He feels the grass scratch at his ankles.

There’s a rose bush nearby. He had smiled when he saw it.

He turns to Magnus. Magnus is shining. He glows in the sunlight.

“Magnus,” Alec says, quiet, barely audible.

Magnus turns. He seems at ease, sitting there, one arm wrapped around Alec.

Alec knows what prompts him to speak. It’s the warm feeling in his heart, the clarity that has returned to his mind. It’s the way Magnus’ eyes wrinkle when he laughs. It’s the ache that’s lifted from his bones ever since he’s returned to where he belongs.

“I love you,” he says. It’s nothing new.

He adds: “And I know you’re real.”

Magnus stares at him.

Seconds, minutes.

Magnus lets out a breath. He holds Alec’s gaze. He nods.

Then, they’re kissing. And it’s magical. And Alec wonders how he could’ve ever believed _Their_ lies.

He loves Magnus, and Magnus loves him, and there is nothing more real than that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me on [tumblr](https://silaspanto.tumblr.com/) where I fangirl over Shadowhunters far too often and post the occasional Meme™ (Comments and kudos are also much loved & appreciated <3)


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